A Little Bit Of Cynicism

Libby, her friend and I went to the swimming pool yesterday afternoon. A dip in the sea would have been preferable but it would probably given Libby hypothermia, I've seen more fat on a pencil. After an hour of the odd length, daft racing games and Libby grabbing me just at the wrong moment causing me to ingest more water than I was happy with, I decided to get out and do half an hours reading before the girls vacated the pool hungry and tired with expectations of dinner.

As I sat reading, hot chocolate in hand (the tea is always like dishwater from the vending machine), I also watched with a growing interest the people coming and going. Clad in gym wear, water bottles in hand they'd scamper from their cars to the shelter of the leisure centre, trying to avoid the insistent down pour of rain. Some looking very fit, confident and comfortable in their tight fitting Lycra, others looking not so fit, awkward and uncomfortable, most of them, I reckon, wishing they were somewhere else. It was like watching a conveyor-belt of androids turning up for their daily programming.

I started to wonder what reasons these people had for putting themselves through these rituals in such a fake, condescending, unhealthy health/leisure centre. I understand there are reasons and we all enjoy doing the things we do, I'm not knocking just wondering. I've been to the gym in the past, it was a brief and unpleasant experience and I really didn't see the point, for me anyway. When living in such a beautiful environment why spend your leisure time confined to the smelly, sweaty walls of a gym? There is no space or freedom for the mind to wander as it often does when the body is moving freely during exercise. The constant bombardment of images and sound from giant TV screens never give you a chance to have your own thoughts and feelings, they do that for you. Like caged animals we pump and grind away our frustrations whilst transfixed by images of the airbrushed rich and famous informing us that this is what we should be like, this is real....and yet the mirror covered walls remind us of a different reality, one that we need to change and shape so that we can 'fit in', a constant reinforcement of our insecurities. This makes good business sense I suppose, they wouldn't want people becoming too healthy and confident, they'd become less dependent and pliable and then may realise that they could actually do it on their own! God forbid!

Anyway, whilst all this cynicism was churning around in my head I read this passage in the book I was reading....it was a bit of a wow moment actually......talk about great timing!

"Many people nowadays live in a series of interiors, home, car, gym, office, shops, disconnected from each other. On foot everything stays connected, for while walking one occupies the spaces between those interiors in the same way one occupies those interiors. One lives in the whole world rather than in interiors built up against it."

Wanderlust: A History of Walking by Rebecca Solnit

I can't help but feel that even with such good intentions in mind, the androids are missing out on something they search for and I'm sure that they are more likely to find it beyond the TV screened, mirrored, sweaty, ego coddled walls of the gym...........??????  

A Journey of One Hundred and Three Minutes, Twice a Day, Three Days a Week

Alien space that suffocates the spirit
Yet welcomed time to read and reflect
An opportunity for the mind to explore other worlds
A chance for the body to step back and be still
The struggle to contain the frustration

Keeping the Balance

For the past year and a half my energies have been channeled into the challenges of producing work for my fine art degree, along with all the other demands that come with it. I do not like to do things 'by half'. I have recognised that it is within my nature when deciding to do something it is with a determined 'all or nothing' attitude. The desire (with a little obsessiveness!) to do the best I can, drives me to push myself to achieve what it is I have in mind to accomplish.

Before starting my degree this need to drive and push myself, along side an unhappy state of mind and the need to run away, was channeled and released through physical exercise. By taking part in challenges that required me to train my body to perform and execute what these events demanded, I pushed and pushed until  my body had had enough.

I am learning that life is about balance. Having spent time studying, having to read and reflect, not just on what has been read but how it relates to life, my mind is being opened to many ideas and thoughts that I have not considered before. I am giving my mind a chance to be informed and the opportunity for it to develop. I am being creative too, which is an essential part of being a whole person. The want and ability to create and express through inspiration (spirit) is within us all. Whether it is through using paint, photography, words, wood, stone or metal or whether its creating an abstract object, a tool of use, mending, building or tending to the plants in the garden.

Through discovering, acknowledging and celebrating these different elements of me, I feel myself growing as a person and I am accepting who I am.

So, during the year and a half of studying and creating I put the physical challenges to one side, they hurt me and I didn't need to be doing that to myself anymore. However, being a lover of the outdoors and feeling physically connected to nature I never gave up walking or the running and cycling but I started to learn the meaning of 'moderation'!

Now that life is a more balanced affair for me, I have come to the conclusion that being physical is a part of me, even an inspiration, as is being creative, learning and trying develop spiritually. I believe I can now go back to doing the occasional  physical challenge without hurting myself. The focus will no longer be about trying to win, trying to go as fast as I can, no longer about push, push, push!! It is now about the experience of doing, enjoying and taking part. We are spiritual beings but that does not mean we can not savour the pleasures of being physical, the body being designed to move and use as a tool. Unfortunately many people actually take better care of their cars than their bodies...but that is another story! What matters is the intent behind the action. The balance between the mind, body and spirit can be achieved.  

My physical experiences inspire my ' art work'. The focus and passion to create, is parallel to the passion that fuels the drive to push the body to the outer limits of its normal existence.....so I have decided to take part in some running races again and also a 100m cycle ride, the reasons and focus now being a very different motivation, the biggest challenge for me will be making sure the old state of mind doesn't creep back in encouraging the obsessive nature of over training!

10 weeks to my next challenge........and it started today with a 40 mile ride..........
http://www.thelionheart.co.uk/

The Button

Within reach for most of this life
Now becoming faded in the distance
As self- worth is being learnt
The action of pressing The Button becomes less urgent
The want to harm and punish becomes less needed
A choice is made, a behaviour changed
But when you think you are mastering what lightens the heart
Something, what?!
Lets the darkness seep back in
That old mindset that makes you reach for The Button
The newness loses its strength
It becomes infected
The choice to heal this infection is there
The choice to eliminate The Button is there too
The action to heal is being taken
To see The Button disappear would truly open the heart

Troubled

I am troubled
My brow is tense and creased
The lines even deeper
Am I setting myself up for a fall?
I think I want one thing but do I want another?
The effort is made to try and place it elsewhere
We create what 'is' with our wondering thoughts
So is it inevitable?
A change of thought pattern will shape a different future
Unease of the heart always causes such angst
Maturing years make it no easier
Confusion rules my head
Causing conflict in the heart
Not knowing mists over stable ground
I tread tentatively and cautiously
When the steps become more sure
The right path has been found, possibly,
Something is said
Unguarded I stumble a little
Unarmed and lost I freeze for a moment
A million questions in such a brief time
Do I continue walking this way?
Is this slightly uneven path under my feet or through the land of my mind?

Wonderland

Sitting in the space of familiar smells and the wonder of contentment
Looking and feeling my way forward to where actions are leading me
What has been no longer troubles but highlights the joys of the now
The eyes and heart are opened, seeing and feeling the beauty of what is there
Somewhere deep inside the warmth informs me of what is important and where I belong
A wander in the land of before, of now and my future
A land that once brought fear and isolation, now brings comfort and security
My heart swells with such force, overflowing with gratitude and love
I am so blessed it takes my breath away, makes my chest ache and my body sing
To give unconditionally is one of life's great joys
To be free of want and full of gratitude is another

Hair Cut

Today I had a hair cut. Always a dreaded event because so often it goes wrong and when you've had such long thick hair that becomes more than just 'my hair' its hard to part from it. But there was more to it all this time and the temptation to have it all chopped off was there looming in my stomach...go on, just do it! But the guts were not there, it would just end in tears. Yes, I fear a midlife crisis with many questions that need not just answering but some action taken too. There is the need to make a statement, I need to say "This is me, see me". So is chopping all my hair off the answer, or maybe just let the grey show? its been there for nearly 20 years surely it deserves to be recognized? How many women out there that are fast approaching the big 40 show their true colours? How many do it with pride? I hope there are many but I have the feeling there are not. Men get laughed at when they try covering signs of their maturing years, men look 'distinguished'. Women are constantly bombarded by messages that encourage them to cover up any signs of aging, we have to stay young looking to be 'attractive'. As we age we are forgotten, to be unattractive too, we may as well not exist. Underneath all those dyes and paints do we really know what we look like? Do we actually 'see' each other and I mean really see, not with just open eyes but open hearts too? If we can be true to ourselves without hiding and changing things and be healthy then why can that not be enough? I FEEL young, surely that should be enough?
I want to be me. After 20 years of covering up do I have the guts to let the age show? Do I raise my middle finger to pressures? Do I run free shouting 'I did it and I don't care what you think!'? Or will this nagging feeling in my gut and heart that seems to get louder and louder pass?
The wind and rain beckons me so yes I will run very soon, whether its because I am free I'm not sure but I will be laughing, a wet, muddy run always makes me laugh.