On Friday I drove to London and back, this was not the plan originally but seemed the best thing to do for many reasons. Having left home at 5am, the car empty except for myself, my daughter, small overnight bag and a sleeping bag, the intention was to stay for the night. However, we ended up returning at midnight with the car full of a nineteen year old student's belongings (mostly shoes and clothes in this case!) I was shattered. This type of travelling was new to me, along with dealing with city traffic, which did go surprisingly well.....thankfully. I was drunk with tiredness and any thoughts or words I had to share were gibberish......apparently!
The next day was spent drifting around in a strange spaced out bubble and sorting out the many bags of washing.....By Sunday I felt better, an equilibrium found and by the evening I was twitchy having missed out on my usual fresh air and on foot adventures. I went to bed promising myself I'd spend Monday outdoors no matter what the weather. I was craving the feeling of being under the sky and amongst the green.
I kept the promise and in my usual 'I don't do things by half' way I went for a 20 mile coastal run. Having not run this far for nearly 2 years I was happy with my efforts and it was such a relief to be out in the landscape moving and being again, even the sunshine had returned. But even having arrived back home satisfied and happy, after a much needed shower, some food and a cup of tea my sore feet were still itching to be out.....so the shoes went back on and with the camera I stepped out again, this time at a more leisurely pace. Yes, the legs were a little tired, feet were sore but once again I was in a place I belonged and I savoured the freedom and space to ruminate over what flowed through me with every step I took.
All these journeys I take whether they are driven, ran or walked are realisations of my capabilities and an appreciation of who I am. To some, the achievements may seem little, insignificant, even pointless or not worth the recognition. Thankfully I am learning not to place too much gravity on the opinion of others. I always listen, we have much to share with and learn from one another, but to worry too much about what others think of what you chose to do, think and be is a bad habit us human beings have gotten ourselves into. Whats even worse is how much we all seem to doubt ourselves and our own feelings so much and look for constant approval from others.
I do understand the confidence and joy it brings to share our achievements and to have them recognised but what freedom we would have to be ourselves without this illusion of need.